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INTJ Relationships

How INTJ types approach relationships

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Ever-ambitious, INTJ types strive for growth in their relationships. They see relationships as something to be improved, rather than something sensitive. Successful relationships are important to INTJs, so they will usually intuit how to make them work.


INTJs Attitude to Relationships

How do INTJ types approach relationships?

INTJs approach relationships in the same way they approach most things: through strategic analysis and striving towards goals. This attitude is sometimes seen as insensitive by other types, but the INTJ type will analyze the unpredictable (and in their view irrational) nuances of human interaction to adapt their approach and often make relationships work. The idiosyncrasies of human behaviour don't come naturally to INTJs, but analyzing a path through does.

An INTJ type is likely to:

  • analyze relationships strategically and long-term.
  • Treat someone as an interesting challenge rather than a person with feelings.
  • Be comfortable being independent.
  • Not appreciate that encouraging other people to improve themselves could be insensitive.
light bulb tip icon

INTJs are always looking to improve their lives and relationships. To some, this reflected ambition can be seen as criticism.


INTJs and Dating

How do INTJ types fare in the dating world?

INTJs are usually striving for improvement and perfection. This attitude extends to dates and romantic relationships, which can lead to challenges when an INTJ struggles to reconcile their vision of perfection with the complicated and unpredictable reality inherent in a typical relationship.

In their minds they have already analyzed things and come up with 'the solution', and so INTJs are also more likely to believe they are always right. Not often an attractive dating characteristic.

What might seem frivolous to an INTJ is seen as socially polite or accepted dating etiquette. This can lead to misunderstanding if an INTJ feels dating is pointless and their partner sees them as insensitive.

blue star

INTJs can try playing to their strengths - when they relax, their infectious enthusiasm can draw affection.

However, as INTJs become more experienced with social niceties, their relentless analysis leads them to the inevitable conclusion that they need to play by the same rules if they want to succeed. And INTJs like to succeed. At everything. In fact, this focused drive and passion may be the INTJ's best approach for drawing affection from others. INTJ's enthusiasm can be infectious.

Info Table
Beneficial dating traits Negative dating traits
INTJs will strive for a happy relationship. They want to 'make it work.' INTJs are inclined to think they are always right.
INTJs are inclined to think they are always right. Their suggestions of how other people could improve themselves could be seen as offensive.
INTJs will want to understand what makes their partner tick. INTJs don't go in for social niceties.
Their drive and enthusiasm is attractive to some people. INTJs can struggle to express their affection and emotions freely.
INTJs are very loyal once they feel they have their partner's trust. The INTJ's relentless drive to improve and develop might be draining for other personality types.

INTJ Partner Compatibility

Which type is an INTJ most compatible with?

When dating an introvert it helps if both partners share similar feelings towards social interactions. However if the other partner is also an INTJ, they may struggle sharing healthy emotional feelings.

It is often said opposites attract and this is certainly the case for INTJ relationships. INTJs have a strong dating compatibility with extraverted-intuition types. Extravert-intuition types will help bring more spontaneity and adventure to the paring, with INTJs being attracted to confident individuals.

Figure 1: INTJ partner compatibility

Percentage compatibility between INTJ and other types

intj compatibility

What this chart shows

This chart shows an estimate of the compatibility between INTJ types and other types. We see that INTJ types are most likely to be compatible with other INTJs, and least likely to be compatible with an ENFP. This 'like-minds' effect is often the case (see Figure 2 below).

Notes:
  • 1. n=3297
  • 2. Population: Global
  • 3. Live dataset last updated:
  • 4. The questionnaire asked participants to select the traits that they favor when thinking about their ideal romantic partner, and the traits were mapped to each of the 16 types.

Figure 2: 16 type model partner compatibility

Percentage compatibility between the 16 factor model (Myers Briggs®) types

mbti compatibility matrix

What this chart shows

This chart shows an estimate of the compatibility between Myers Briggs® types. Our research shows that the strongest match is usually with someone of the same type. Another general pattern we observe is extraverts are generally more compatible with other extraverts, and introverts are more compatible with other introverts. This data supports the adage "birds of a feather flock together” and discredits the often-quoted mantra "opposites attract".

Across almost all types, the most compatible combination is with someone of an identical type. Within this general trend, the degree of compatibility varies slightly. For example, the compatibility between two INFP types is very high (at 95%) whereas the compatibility between two INTJs is 86%. The only exception to the observation that the best match is with someone of the same type is for ESFP types. The researchers note that ESFP types do still strongly favor other extraverts.

Notes:
  • 1. n=3297
  • 2. Population: Global
  • 3. Live dataset last updated:
  • 4. The questionnaire asked participants to select the traits that they favor when thinking about their ideal romantic partner, and the traits were mapped to each of the 16 types.

Advice for Dating as an INTJ

How to have successful INTJ relationships

INTJs have a lot to offer in a relationship. They also have some traits that are best suppressed during first dates. As an INTJ you could play to your strengths and be aware of your less desirable tendencies.

As an INTJ

  • green tick Do talk about the things you love. Your enthusiasm can be infectious.
  • green tick Do think about what the other person is thinking. Use your strategic analysis and turn it to empathy.
  • green tick Do let the other person have their own views. Sometimes other people are right too.
  • green tick Do try to make your emotions known. By keeping quiet some people will assume you don't feel anything.
  • red cross Don't share your analysis of how the other person could improve. This risks offending them.
  • red cross Don't think you know best. Even if you're right.
  • red cross Don't overburden your partner with all your ambitious plans. Other types are more content with the status quo and enjoying the moment.

How to Date an INTJ

How to make an INTJ feel loved

INTJs have certain personality traits which partners should bear in mind for a successful and happy relationship. Cherish their positives, and decide if you can learn to live with their special ways.

Being with an INTJ

  • green tick Remember they only want the best for you. If they suggest you do something differently it's because they think they are solving your problem for you. Their advice comes from a good place, even if it is a little insensitive or blunt.
  • green tick Let them dream, encourage them even. Ambitious dreams make INTJs happy.
  • green tick Be straight with your INTJ. They don't like talking in riddles or having to pickup subtle hints.
  • green tick Remember they're quite independent and they like their time alone sometimes.
  • green tick Be explicit about your feelings towards an INTJ. They're not big on subtle indicators.
  • green tick Engage in theoretical discussions with an INTJ.
  • green tick Share your goals and desires. Talking future plans energises an INTJ.
  • red cross Avoid spontaneity. INTJs like to have things planned in advance.
  • red cross Remember INTJs tend to think things through before saying things. So, if you do respond with, "are you sure?" don't be surprised to get a curt response similar to, "yes, otherwise I wouldn't have said it".
  • red cross Don't say things which they could interpret as patronising. You're probably trying to help, but INTJs value being the one with the right answer.
  • red cross Don't make the mistake of thinking they have little emotion. Rather than expressing their emotion, INTJs tend to internalise it and work through it in their mind.
  • red cross Don't be self-loathing or lazy. Try to have goals and be driven.
  • red cross Don't try to deceive an INTJ. Honesty is important and INTJs are good at detecting false emotions.

INTJ Friendships

Principles of how INTJ types behave in a friendship

INTJs enjoy close company, but socializing doesn't come naturally to them. Sometimes this can be frustrating to an INTJ; after all they can solve most problems so why do they find humans so difficult to 'solve'?

It may sometimes be hard to form friendships with INTJs as they can instantly seem disinterested or bored with small talk, especially in large gatherings. Known to often hold back a part of themselves, some people may never feel like they truly know some INTJs. However, once this shell is broken an INTJ can be one amazing loyal friend.

Perhaps the reason many INTJs are seen as aloof and independent is because they can see making friends as a complicated effort. When people understand the INTJ personality type, they can make lasting successful friendships.

blue star

INTJs often dislike small talk - better bonds can be formed if the conversations are deeper or more intellectual.

INTJs have great sharp wit and intelligence that can make interactions with them extremely enjoyable. INTJs value small close friends over larger numbers. As INTJs have extremely analytical minds, they will often assess friendships to understand the value that person brings to their life, happy to drop contact if they do not meet their expectations.

face reading open book

When people understand the INTJ personality type, they can make richly-rewarding and successful friendships.

INTJs prefer to have things planned in advance, so go easy on the surprise parties. They like to think things through, including their social engagements.

INTJs enjoy talking to friends about plans, analyses, and projects. They like to dream, but on a serious basis. They will focus on the details of how a dream could become reality and will become animated when strategizing grand-plans with someone. They like to be engaged intellectually and talk through a knotty problem with someone. Remember though, INTJs must have time on their own too, so give them space.

quotation marks INTJs will become animated when strategizing grand plans with someone.
Ellie Simmonds, MSc

INTJs are not the most trusting of types. Because of their introverted tendencies and inclination to analyze things, it will take time to form a close trusting INTJ relationship. But once they have placed their trust, INTJs are very loyal. Perhaps this is because they have confidence in their own analysis, and would not later think their trust was mistaken.

INTJs think they're helping by solving someone's problem for them. However, this can often be seen as critical or misplaced when the recipient doesn't have an understanding of the INTJ personality type.

INTJs are incessant problem-solvers. This can include solving problems other people don't perceive they have! So remember if an INTJ gives critical advice, they are probably just trying to help rather then criticise. They want you to accomplish your goals and help you solve the problems you've been sharing with them.


How INTJs can Improve their Relationships with Others

INTJs becoming a better partner and friend

INTJs might see other people as a conundrum, but they are keen to make social connections, and do it successfully. They should remember that not all people behave rationally, and many things go unsaid.

As an INTJ, this is what can be done to improve relationships with other people:

  • If someone is seeking emotional support, INTJs should try to offer it to them instead of reacting in simply an analytical problem-solving manner.
  • Stronger bonds can be formed with others when INTJs attempt to share their feelings and emotions more freely.
  • INTJs should work on being less stubborn, it's important they understand INTJs aren't always right and other people's opinions and views are just as important.
  • It's important for INTJs to understand that real life relationships may not meet the perfect 'ideal' they have in their head. A constant need to improve it to perfection will often put more stress on the relationship and be very taxing for the partner.

 


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Ellie Simmonds, MSc

University of Bath, Psychology

Ellie Simmonds, MSc in Psychology from University of Bath. Ellie is an associate lecturer on psychometric assessments and has extensive knowledge of the 16-type model.