Ellie Simmonds, MSc
University of Bath, Psychology
Ellie Simmonds, MSc in Psychology from University of Bath. Ellie is an associate lecturer on psychometric assessments and has extensive knowledge of the 16-type model.
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ISFJs are routinely referred to as the ‘defender’. They protect others as well as themselves and they take this job very seriously. ISFJs are deeply emotional people who crave strong connections. They are often incredibly introverted and shy, however. This can make it hard for them to strike out into the world and find meaningful relationships with other people. They are guarded and often require a consistent and supportive presence in their romantic relationships as well as their friendships. ISFJ's struggle with relationships that are not deeply personal. They keep their social circles small and tend to have incredibly deep connections with those they trust.
ISFJs are called defenders because they are deeply loyal. They struggle to let people in and tend to form bonds with those that they feel a deep connection with. They are uniquely self aware and know that they require a lot of validation in a relationship, so when they find someone who provides that support, they open up to them completely. Once ISFJs form a close bond with someone, they will always fight for that person and for the relationship. ISFJ personality types are deeply empathetic and they are happy to pour their energy and time into the people they hold the closest.
An ISFJ type in dating is likely to:
ISFJs will always take into account the thoughts and feelings of their partner when making decisions.
People who have ISFJ personality types are wholly dedicated to their partner's happiness. The ability to provide for their partner and keep them happy is at the top of an ISFJs priority list. They are incredibly giving in every aspect of a relationship and often prioritize their partner's happiness over their own. ISFJ's are very guarded. While they are very empathic, they don't always show those emotions on the surface. They don't like to start arguments and upset their partners so they may avoid conflict. This can lead to a buildup of negative emotions that explode under pressure. ISFJ's will give their partner the world, but they don't like to feel like their gifts are not appreciated.
An ISFJ will never want to hurt their partner's feelings, and will struggle to be honest about something that is affecting them if they think revealing this will harm their partner.
Beneficial dating traits | Negative dating traits |
---|---|
ISFJs will always prioritize the well-being of their partners over almost anything else. They take their relationships extremely seriously and tend to put most of their energy into them. | ISFJ's are extremely emotional, but can struggle to express those emotions. If their partners are not mindful of this, small disagreements can turn into something bigger. |
ISFJs are extremely loyal. It may take a while for them to warm up to people, but once they do they will always have their partner's back. | ISFJ's are very giving and kind, but they also require lots of validation. If they don't feel appreciated they can become bitter. |
ISFJs make incredible domestic partners. They are very dedicated to their household and can be great parents. | ISFJs will put their own needs on the backburner to make the people around them happy. If they are not reminded to take care of themselves they can burn out and become depressed. |
ISFJs are stable and prefer stability. They are not flighty in the least and will seek out long term relationships over flings | ISFJs have a tendency to build emotional walls around themselves. They are afraid of being taken advantage of and have a hard time allowing people to see the real them. |
ISFJs are incredibly passionate in everything they do. They are also very intune with their partner's passions and will go above and beyond to support them. | ISFJs require a lot of emotional labor from their partners. They require consistent, positive interactions to form bonds with others. |
ISFJ's struggle with being upfront with potential partners. These personality types tend to be hyper critical of themselves and are very aware of the things they are lacking in. ISFJs often fear that their potential partners might see them as a burden. This is the worst fear of an ISFJ personality type. They are naturally nurturing and kind and the last thing they want is to cause others stress or discomfort. However, being upfront with their needs is the best way for an ISFJ to ensure a stable, happy relationship.
Frequent communication is something that should be established early on in the relationship and ISFJs should let their partners know that validation is important to them. This need for communicating feelings is a big reason why ISFJ's should be cautious about dating other ISFJs or people with similar personalities. An inability for either partner to communicate their needs can easily turn into a toxic feedback loop.
While ISFJs shouldn't necessarily always avoid similar personalities when dating, they should look for a partner that compliments them where they fall short. A more extraverted partner could help balance an ISFJ personality type in social settings and help take some of the social pressures off of them. They should also seek out a partner who is going to understand their nurturing nature and their need for validation. This can help an ISFJ personality type avoid feeling taken advantage of in a relationship.
Figure 1: ISFJ partner compatibility
Percentage compatibility between ISFJ and other types
What this chart shows
This chart shows an estimate of the compatibility between ISFJ types and other types. We see that ISFJ types are most likely to be compatible with other ISFJs, and least likely to be compatible with an ENTP. This 'like-minds' effect is often the case (see Figure 2 below).
Notes:Figure 2: 16 type model partner compatibility
Percentage compatibility between the 16 factor model (Myers Briggs®) types
What this chart shows
This chart shows an estimate of the compatibility between Myers Briggs® types. Our research shows that the strongest match is usually with someone of the same type. Another general pattern we observe is extraverts are generally more compatible with other extraverts, and introverts are more compatible with other introverts. This data supports the adage "birds of a feather flock together” and discredits the often-quoted mantra "opposites attract".
Across almost all types, the most compatible combination is with someone of an identical type. Within this general trend, the degree of compatibility varies slightly. For example, the compatibility between two INFP types is very high (at 95%) whereas the compatibility between two INTJs is 86%. The only exception to the observation that the best match is with someone of the same type is for ESFP types. The researchers note that ESFP types do still strongly favor other extraverts.
Notes:Dating is difficult for everyone, but ISFJs might find it even more difficult due to their shy nature. ISFJs should never compare their own romantic interests to the interests of others. ISFJs are passionate partners and bring a lot to the table when it comes to relationships. Like everyone else, ISFJs do have flaws but their positive traits far outweigh the negatives. Focusing on these positive traits can help ISFJ personality types find compatible partners.
ISFJs make ideal partners for people who are more outgoing and would prefer to not be a homemaker. ISFJs can be the nurturing force in their relationships, though they often consider themselves high maintenance. ISFJs don't require a lot of material things, but they do expect their partners to be available, affectionate and consistent. ISFJs require observant partners and partners who will challenge them to grow. People looking for short term relationships should steer clear of ISFJs as they are rarely interested in anything that is not intended to be long term.
The combination of traits found in ISFJ personalities makes them wonderful friends. ISFJs love to shower the people they love with praise, are always happy to offer support, and are extremely loyal. However, ISFJs often struggle to open up. They tend to be extremely shy and have a difficult time being vulnerable. This includes not always telling their friends what they need emotionally, and struggling with accepting help. A person seeking to befriend an ISFJ must show them patience and handle their vulnerability correctly; this will help build trust, and once trust has been secured, an ISFJ will be a true friend.
An ISFJ will often put the needs of their friends before their own.
The best way to befriend an ISFJ is through regular conversation and time spent together. ISFJs often come off as shy and quiet at first, which may make them seem standoffish. As a relationship builds, they will begin to open up, sharing their kindness and compassion with others. They are rarely the type to ‘let loose,’ except in small groups of their closest loved ones, and tend to keep their inner circles small to avoid being overwhelmed.
ISFJs strive to learn how to support the people they love, and will always be ready to lend a helping hand, even if it means going out of their way. Some might take advantage of this, using the ISFJs altruism to their own benefit; this is where the ISFJ must learn to stand up for themselves, cutting these people out in favor of friends that give them just as much love and support as the ISFJ offers.
Friends of the ISFJ should be aware of the ISFJ's dislike of conflict; they should try to make sure that the ISFJ they love isn't suppressing their own feelings to avoid a disagreement. Additionally, ISFJs need support in return. It's easy to forget that people who offer so much positivity and kindness may not always get it in return, so friends of ISFJs should go out of their way to let their friend know how important and loved they really are.
The majority of stress around social situations is often in an ISFJs own mind. This personality type is very introverted and struggles in large crowds of people. They tend to have a judging personality and fear that other people are the same. They tend to keep to themselves and go out of their way to please people. This fear of judgment and obsessive people pleasing can lead to a lot of pent up emotions. In order to have fulfilling friendships, ISFJs should be a little less harsh on themselves and others. They should also communicate the fears and anxieties that make social situations difficult.
As an ISFJ this is what can be done to improve relationships with other people:
University of Bath, Psychology
Ellie Simmonds, MSc in Psychology from University of Bath. Ellie is an associate lecturer on psychometric assessments and has extensive knowledge of the 16-type model.